The key to understanding anatomy is in the understanding of the terminology.

Before the 1900’s, humans moved randomly, with very little control over their limbs or other bodily functions. This all changed when the Wright brothers jumped off of a sand dune in Kitty Hawk, NC, USA, and discovered the anatomical planes. The brothers received compound fractures (a chemical term meaning that their fractures bonded together through Ionic, Doric and Corinthian processes to form a single interlocking fracture) with bones sticking out of their skin and all sorts of gross stuff. This isn’t really germane to the discussion, other than the fact that studying anatomy always involves disgusting things like blood, breaking bones and plain ol' dissection, so I though that I would bring it up.

Anatomical planes are like reference points, except in two dimensions. The body moves in the anatomical planes by means of jet propulsion, navigating through the use of flaps, ailerons and rudders. There are four anatomical planes: the Mediocre plane, the Sagittarian plane, the Corona plane, and the Cross plane. Movement in the Mediocre plane isn't all that great and nobody cares about it anyway. Movement in the Sagittarian plane causes Cancer, but only with Jupiter rising and Mars in the third house. Movement in the Corona plane causes intestinal disorders, like you drank some bad Mexican beer. Movement in the Cross plane makes you think that you’re Jesus Christ.

Movements themselves have special names in the science of anatomy. The purpose of the different names is to cause confusion in the lay population and to enable scientists who study anatomy to get bigger grants. There are several types of movement, including but not limited to: Extortion, fellation, addition, subtraction, circumnavigation, retardation, stupefaction, lactation and masturbation. These are all very important, but it would take too much typing to describe them, so I won’t. Mostly because I’m not getting paid for this.

What misc.fitness.weights readers care about is musculoskeletal anatomy. “Musculoskeletal” comes from the Greek roots “Musculo-,” meaning “big,” and “-skeletal,” meaning "skinny." I don’t know why they use it. Anyway, first you have to understand some physiology, which is more obscure than anatomy, but I’ll tell you about it regardless.

Muscles are made up of fibers, not cells, because they’re fibrous. Muscles are unique in that they are powered by a molecule called ATP, which can either be generated aerobically (a Greek term meaning “in the presence of an aerobics instructor”) or anaerobically (meaning “outside of the presence of an aerobics instructor”). ATP is used through a process called “asphyxiation,” which takes place in the rough mitochondrial deoxyribonucleic reticulum reductase. (Don’t bother looking that up.) ATP is created in the liver and gonads and delivered to muscles cells through tiny blood vessels called corpulents. The use of ATP creates little explosions, kind of like terrorist bombings except that militants never claim responsibility. I am confident that this will change as law enforcement techniques improve.

If ATP is a bomb, think of muscle cells as terrorists, nerve cells as streets in Belfast, and your nerve center as Gerry Adams. Nerve cells deliver messages from the brain (in women) or from the penis (in men) to the muscle cells. They are passed along a chain of nerve cells (a.k.a. “neurotics”) through a process called transmigration. I’m sure you’ve played that game where a group of people sit in a circle, one person whispers something to the next and the news travels all the way around the circle, finally being spoken aloud by the last person in the chain? That’s what nerve cells are like, except there’s no Ralph Wiggum with a negative I.Q. to screw it up. The muscle cells file the messages promptly in the correct location and process them within seven to ten working days, less if a bribe is included in the message.

Now that you know how muscles receive their instructions, you need to learn how muscles connect to skeletons. This is the purpose of musculoskeletal anatomy. Do you remember the “head bone’s connected to the neck bone” song? Good. Sing it to yourself. That’s all you need to know about bones.

Muscles move bones; they are connected by fibrous tissues called litigants or tensions. Bones are kept from banging up against each other and making clinking noises by means of tissue called cartography and gooey stuff called Sacreligious Fluid. This is a good thing, unless the sacreligious fluid overheats and leaks through the sacreligious membrane. At this point you are considered to have a tumor, or tumescence, which will probably kill you. To keep from dying, stay indoors with the air conditioning on. Sacreligious leaks are why people drop dead when it’s hot outside. No kidding.

In the following chapters we will discuss the muscle groups. I’ll bet you can’t wait.