I made good time to work today. I only caught a couple of lights and nobody was particularly obnoxious. Not so on the way home.

I have created some rules of the road for Toronto commuters. Please follow them.

1. Hello, other cyclists. Some of you pass me, and I pass some of you. It happens. If I'm not going as fast as you are, feel free to pass me. I have no problems with it. But if I pass you, then don't pull up on my left side in the bike lane when we are stopped at a light or a stop sign. We know from experience that I am faster than you; after all, I FUCKING PASSED YOU BACK THERE. All you're doing is creating a narrower space for me, probably pushing me into the curb and/or pedestrians. And I'm going to pass you again anyway. So really, you're just being a jerk.
2. I can live with the fact that the cobblestone areas on St. George are used as crosswalks. I don't like it but I can live with it. Howver, if you're going to step off of the curb to cross... didn't your kindergarten teacher tell you to look both ways before crossing the street? Don't step off without looking. There's a bike lane. It's the lane with, you know, all of the bikes in it, the one that you are stepping into. And I'm going 25km/h and it makes it really hard to stop when you wander into the street while engrossed in conversation with your airheaded friends about some cute boy.
3. If you're standing on the curb talking animatedly to your friends, don't wave the business end of your guitar case into the bike lane. I have a helmet but I think the pavement and the cars beside me are going to win any full-contact match I engage them in. If you get me killed then I will come back to haunt you. Oh, and I'll be dead, so I will have plenty of time to haunt you at work, at home, at school, at the bar, and when you visit your parents for holidays. On the plus side I will torment your parents at no extra charge.
4. If you drive an SUV, I hate you. I don't just hate you because you are contributing to the smog problem in my city, or because you are motivating people to do dumber and dumber things to get oil, but also because getting behind the wheel of an SUV makes you an asshole. Don't pull into the bike lane to turn right. Don't cut me off because you forgot to check your mirror while you are talking to your broker on your cell phone. Don't go zipping by me doing 75 in a 40. Don't speed up and turn left across a red light, nearly sideswiping little ol' me who got the green light. Do you drive on logging roads or into the wilderness? And BTW, driving to your cottage up the 400 does not count as "offroading." Neither does going to Brampton.
5. HANG UP AND DRIVE. Don't talk on the cell phone while driving. And for godsake, you idiots, don't talk on the phone while riding your bike either. Also, if you have to be a knob and talk on the cell phone while you are riding your bike, don't occupy the other hand with a cup of coffee and a cigarette. Not only does it make you look stupid, it means you can't control your bike.
6. In Canada it is generally accepted that we are to drive on the right side of a two way street. In fact, unless I am horribly mistaken, it is a law, and it applies to bikes as well as cars. If you're in the bike lane, don't be in the bike lane going the wrong way. You're endangering me and yourself.
7. Signal before you turn.
8. If you are roller blading, take off your headphones so that when I ding my little bell you can hear me. This goes for cyclists too. If you don't do this, I'm going to get one of those big freaking air horns like my friend Paul has and trigger it every time I go by you. HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK.
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